What Your Car Says About You

Here's what your car says about you, according to someone who is stuck in traffic three hours a day.

Your car is a statement about yourself. It says who you are, how you will likely drive, and what kind of life you live. Have you ever wondered what your car says about you, or what people think about your car? 

Well, speaking as someone who is in traffic for a huge portion of their work life, I can give you a good idea of what others think when they see your car. Check out the following cars, and what people think of when they see them. 

A Used, Cheap Convertible

Oh dude, this is bad. You probably have watched too many rap videos talking about how cool it is to have a drop top and decided it was time to get your own. Unfortunately, you don't have the actual cash to buy one that's actually in decent shape. 

So, you got the discount one that requires nearly-weekly trips to the mechanic. Hey, at least you look somewhat cool in your car...while you're in your low-income neighborhood. 

Mid-life crisis has never looked this cheap, right? At least you're a slow driver. After all, you can't go fast when you're trying to make sure people know you drive a convertible. 

A New VW Beetle

This is the classic choice of people who wish they were born in 1969, but missed the mark by about 40 years. Cute as a bug, these tiny cars are basically proof that you don't have children, live in a compact area, and are anything but claustrophobic in nature. 

Ideal for dodging in and out of traffic, 90 percent of us are expecting a simple tap from a truck to annihilate your car. But, never fear, Daddy will probably get you a new one. 

A Japanese Motorcycle

Deep down inside, you're a free spirit. You love the idea of feeling the wind in your hair, street racing with fellow rebels, and also just being a badass biker. 

However, your accounting job won't allow you to be too risky or too loud. So, you make sure to get a quieter, more efficient motorcycle model that you can ride with your motorcycle club.

Your motorcycle club? Well, it's filled with rebels like Gary from Accounts Payable, the local GM from TGI Fridays who goes by Bruce, and some random balding dude who retired 30 years ago. 

Dare to dream, bro. 

A Mid-Tier Minivan

Well, aren't you just living the dream? You are a housewife (or dad pulling parenting duty) who gets to enjoy the idyllic life of mid-level suburbia. While wearing your classic stretch yoga pants, styling your "Can I Talk To The Manager" haircut, and your pink acrylics, you are the epitome of American corporate consumerism. 

You're snooty and bratty at times, but it's okay because you're taking care of Brayton, Sneauxflayxk, and Aydyn. You can tell you're a good mom because you have stick figures on your window. Sure, your entire identity is in your kids and that will come crashing down in 18 years or so, but good for you.

Oh, and you suck at driving. 

High-Tier Minivan

You better not be confused with those mid-tier minivan drivers! Not you! You were lucky enough to marry someone who had a way larger wallet, and popped out really classy kids who go to that private school. 

Of course you drive a $90,000 minivan. After all, we couldn't have Madison and Becca couldn't be seen in a peasant-mobile. It would just be too gauche for them to feel like the "poor kids" at country day school. 

After you chaffeaur Madison to water polo and Becca to croquet, you're going to relax by your country club with an Italian soda that's secretly loaded with vodka and ground up Xanax. Because, trophy wives need to relax, too, right? 

You also suck at driving and parking. Thats what your car says about you. You are just terrible at driving. 

Super Luxury Race Cars

Yes, you have a Ferrari. We see your Ferrari. Yes, we observe you driving in a Ferrari. Ferrari. Ferrari. Have we said it enough? Do you want to know what your car says about you?

We understand you have a car that's worth the price of our house. We also acknowledge that it's your wife who's driving the high-tier minivan. We are also very, very well aware of why she's guzzling sodas with Xanax and vodka in them. She does, after all, have to deal with you. 

We are also aware that you may have masculinity issues, and that the reason why you seem to think I-95 is the Autobahn is because you really have a problem. Please take that driving to a place that appreciates it - like Dubai or Germany. We in traffic don't want to die.

A Souped Up Pimpmobile

What your car says about you is scary, okay? When you see one of these kinds of cars, there's only a couple of possibilities that could be correct...

  • First, you might be a gang member or a pimp. We don't want to hit your car as we do not want to get shot. 
  • Second, you might be a rapper. We don't want to hit your car because you probably have enough money to sue us into oblivion. 
  • Or, last, you were at one point a teenager who had won Pimp My Ride. We don't want to hit your car because it's an MTV historical artifact. It's a personal thing for most of us. 

Seriously though, no one wants to hit one of these cars because the consequences might be pretty bad. We legit don't know who will be in that vehicle. That being said, most people who own these drive slowly and carefully since they don't want to scratch the $20,000 paint job. 

A Clunker

Yes, technically, you are driving a car. Sort of. It's more or less a bunch of parts glued together by rust, duct tape, and a miracle of some sort. As a result, what your car says about you is that you're broke. This is the last-ditch way you have to get to work. 

Additionally, a clunker car person also tends to be a very bad driver. Based on all the dings and dents in your car, it's safe to say that most people want to avoid you on the road - at least from an insurance buyer perspective. 

A Lifted Pickup Truck

You're not going to like what your car says about you, buddy. Most actual country guys do not have a lifted truck, because they actually use their trucks for mudding and hard work. In winter, Subarus are often the vehicle of choice because they do better in snow. 

So, what your car says about you is that you listen to country, you go fishing and say that's "country living," and that you probably take way too much unhealthy pride in being a yokel in hopes that someone will assume your manly. 

That being said, pickup truck drivers are the absolutely worst drivers. You guys are aggressive, speed-hungry idiots who often cause car accidents due to your road rage. Not a good look. We get you have masculinity issues, but jeez, get a hold of yourself. 

Topless Jeeps

Ah, yes, convertible ragtop Jeeps. They are indeed the car of free spirits, surfers, and nature goers. They're boxy, fun, and look like they belong in every single brochure involving camping ever made. 

Interestingly enough, all the trust fund kiddies that tend to buy these kinds of cars seem to look like the same five people in those brochures too. They are car people - a slowly expanding group of alien clones who convert people to the Jeep side. 

Seriously, they all look and act the same. These are the cars people suspect could be vessels for pod people. They look...way...too..wholesome. No, we don't want to attend your beach bonfire! We might become one of you!

That being said, you guys are very good drivers. It could be because you're aliens from another planet, though. 

Sedans

To a point, sedans are hard to read. With most of the vehicles here, people love to hate them, love to love them, or otherwise just have strong feelings about them. But sedans? Well, they all look the same! 

These are "average people cars" as it were. If they were a slice of bread, they wouldn't be rye, ciabatta, or whole wheat. They'd be plain ol' Wonderbread. 

Sedans, though, seem to have two schools of thought. People are either totally reckless, or totally normal drivers in them. Most of the time, sedan drivers veer on the side of pushy. Even so, you are better than minivan drivers. 

An Ancient Car Painted Beige

Don't ask me why, but most cars people over 80 years of age seem to drive tend to be made in 1980 or earlier, and they all are painted in what I call "retirement beige." These are a category of their own called Old Drivers Cars. 

Why? Because every single person who drives them seems to be 150 years old with a penchant of driving a top speed of 20 miles per hour on the highway. We get it, you can't see and the DMV won't take your license away from you out of responsibility. 

Could someone just get them a silver alert? Please?

Anything Commercial

Well, what your car says about you is pretty obvious - it says you have a job and it also says that the car's insurance is paid by the employer. So, maybe that's why you guys drive like lunatics half the time and tailgate sedan owners the other half the time. 

Please lay off all the pep pills. We know your truck has a shipment to make, but come on, your driving scares us!

A High End Convertible

There's really only a small section of the world who can afford a high end convertible. Either you're a person who's over 40 years of age who has been incredibly lucky to be part of the 1 percent, or you're a rapper/pop star/celebrity who struck it rich while young. 

In terms of lifestyle, what your car says about you is that you have money - a lot of it. You are a baller. However, if you're over 40, it also says that you might be going through a midlife crisis and may be using said car to lure younger people to you. That's kind of creepy. 

A Classic Show Car

When you see a car from 1910 puttering down the street, it's obvious what your car says about you: you love cars. Like, you actually invest in them for fun and enjoy the history behind it all. Additionally, you also have money to do so and probably have that thing insured to the teeth. 

You may be a careful driver, and that's because you probably would lose your kid's college fund if you actually had to repair a ding, dent, or bumper. Cars are you. You are a car person. We can't hate on that. 

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What Your Car Says About You