Stay Fresh with These Unique Car Air Fresheners

Car air fresheners can communicate a lot about the values of the person using them. I'm not kidding; STOP LAUGHING AT ME! Sorry, I had a flashback to one of the many arguments I used to have when I was married. I don't want to communicate anger; I want to communicate that I'm ready for love. And, to my son Jarret, I want to communicate, "Hey, dad is cool without trying." And you better believe I've found car air fresheners that do both those things!

I love cherry pie, I love Twin Peaks, and I love car air fresheners! I have a lot of car air fresheners that I keep in the best smell proof containers to store your stash. Yeah, everyone else keeps weed in those containers, but I keep air fresheners in them!

Some people think true love is as rare as a bigfoot sighting. That's why I keep a big foot car air freshener hanging from my rearview mirror. That way I show the world, "I believe in a thing called love, just look at the car air freshener hanging over my dash!"

Much to my surprise, car air fresheners do not multiply like rabbits! They're often out of stock with no discernible logic dictating the rate at which they come and go. Luckily, these adorable odor neutralizers come 3 to a pack, so you never have to worry about your car smelling so bad that your teenage son asks you if you're transporting spoiled meat to make ends meet. WHY WOULD THAT BE A JOB, JARRET?! Sorry, I'm sensitive about how I smell.

People love bacon but they don't love these bacon car air fresheners! Turns out people hoping to bank on the bacon trend can't match the smell of bacon. "It smelt like a sour box of dog treats," wrote one reviewer. "Smells more like potted meat, and not the name brand stuff," wrote another. Even at its best, I wouldn't want the smell of bacon in my car. I'm trying to find love here not entice a dog into going on a car ride.

Donuts are very tempting to eat, but not when they're car air fresheners. That's because a car air freshener that's a donut is inedible! That doesn't mean, though, that you can't hold them close to your face and breath in the scene real deep as you would hold a romantic partner's head beneath your nose to inhale the aroma of someone who's managed to fill your donut hole with infatuation and hope.

Few car air fresheners make you question the direction of your life like this one does. I believe that the same mystical force that guides the Ouija is the same mystical force that brings people together to fall in love. "Where the hell am I going?" To fall in love. And I'll now I'm there when I get there!

I have this just to get a laugh out of Jarret. I point at it any time I fart, which is less and less these days since I've been taking probiotics. Probiotics are good for digestive health, your immune system, and your mood!

This is one of those car air fresheners that I'm waiting to break out once I'm in love so that I can sing the "The Cuppycake Song." "You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum/ Pumpy-umpy-umpkin/ You're my Sweetie Pie You're my Cuppycake/ Gumdrop Snoogums-Boogums/ You're the Apple of my Eye." When you're not in love this song is gross and terrible; but when you are in love it feels the best!

This is another of the car air fresheners that I'm going to whip out once I'm in love so that I can sing "Sugar, Sugar" by The Archies. I AM THE BEST AT BEING IN LOVE! I just messed up with my ex-wife because I had anger problems and a misguided sense of entitlement. But I'll be able to recognize that loving feeling when it returns to me, and when it does I'll sing, "You are my candy girl/ And you got me wanting you!"

Why is Meowlin so unhappy? I don't get it. She should be glad. She's a magic cat! Maybe it's the weight of that hat, hanging over her head like the Sword of Damocles. This cat looks like the sort of cat that's on the receiving end of cat trickery rather than the one performing the feats of cat magic. Be free; Meowlin! Be Free. God, I'm lonely.

This is the most futuristic of all the car air fresheners. It charges in your USB port, it's a humidifier, and it's ultrasonic—like my tooth brush! If this thing works the same wonders for my car that the SonicCare did for my gums then it's going to be a real miracle worker. My gums bled anytime I flossed until I started using a SonicCare!

This is one of those car air fresheners that makes it easier for me to connect with my son. I started watching Rick and Morty because it seemed like the cool show all the kids were talking about, and then Jarret stopped watching it the minute I did! Euch, he is such a teen boy!

I swear, he'd stop brushing his teeth if I told him about my SonicCare, which I would never do because I know how sensitive he is about his bleeding gums (he's as susceptible to gingivitis as I am). In a way, Jarret is just like Rick because he goes to great lengths to avoid emotional intimacy. So whenever Jarret does that I just point to this car air freshener and say, "Don't be such a Pickle Rick."

I use this one exclusively when I'm mad. It's what I put on my rear view mirror when I'm blasting Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff." I take this air freshener out of the glove compartment where I keep my smell proof container, put it on, and crank up the the seminal 1999 Limp Bizkit release Significant Other. Fred Durst is an underrated lyricist who was able to express a lot of inarticulate male rage. His work begs the question: in expressing inarticulate rage, is Durst himself inarticulate or has he transcended the limits of his own emotional state? That was the subject of one of my high school English papers!

Like a pig in mud, this poo is happy being exactly what it is. This is the most zen of all the car air fresheners. Even more so than a Buddha air freshener! It's what I put on when I am trying to drive mindfully and occupy the middle way. Namaste.

This is the one air freshener that most effectively allows me to communicate that I want to date a feminist. I decided I wanted to date a feminist when I was watching Hillary Clinton go toe-to-toe against President Sex Criminal. That election season taught me a lot about things women are expected to do at work but shouldn't. I want a strong, independent woman who asserts her agency and calls me out for my BS. And I want to be the sort of partner that helps that strong, independent woman be the person she wants to be!

Of all the car air fresheners, this is the one that allows me to ask my son about his English homework without saying a word. I just tap on Old Willy Shakes and he knows to say, "God, Dad, I'll do it when I get home," and that's enough for me!

I have many car air fresheners, but this is the only one I put on my rear view mirror when I want fast food. I don't put it on to set the mood but so that I drive away and eat something healthy. That's because I know the reason I want the fast food is because I'm not getting enough love. But one day my heart will be over flowing with love and on that day I will throw the fries away for good!

This is one of those car air fresheners that combines an image with a scent that has nothing to do with the image, in this case fresh linens and a cheeseburger. It's especially surprising considering that, for a while, Burger King had a whopper air freshener because, you know, all cars should smell like burgers.

I'm also a big fan of the phrase, "My favorite color is cheeseburger." That's the appropriate level of humor for a car. I actually bought this one and put it in whenever I'm giving Jarret a ride. I point to it and say, "What's my favorite color?" He says nothing, and then I say, "Cheeseburger!" But I always put the cat version of Titanic back because you never know when love will find you. I'm waiting!